Itsesääli, itsekontrolli, itsekkyys, itsekeskeisyys, itsenäinen.
Minä pärjään, minä pystyn.
Minä hallitsen elämääni, minä kyllä osaan.
Anna minulle kaikki tässä ja nyt. Minä kyllä ansaitsen sen kaiken.
Olenhan sentään se kuka olen. Sinun omasi. Tärkeä.
Mitä? Miksi et anna?
Etkö rakastakaan minua?
Enkö ole sinulle kylliksi?
Etkö tahdokaan parastani?
Miksi jätät minut!
Sinunhan piti välittää minusta?
Sinähän lupasit minulle KAIKEN.
Tätäkö nyt on rakkautesi?
Minä kaipaan, minä tarvitsen, minä en pysty elämään ilman!
Minä itken. Valittaen janoan enemmän. Sisintäni ahdistaa.
En jaksa, en pysty, en osaa.
Otitko minulta kaiken pois? Senkin mitä jo oli?
Ota sitten pois loputkin.
Miksi enää jatkaisin?
Mitä merkitystä olisi jatkaa?
Minulla ei ole mitään merkitystä.
Minä en ole mitään.
Miksi en saanut sitä mitä tarvitsin?
Etkö tunne minua kyllin hyvin?
Sydämeni huutaa tuskasta!
Enkö ole tehnyt kaiken niin kuin olet halunnut?
Miksi en saanut sitä mitä halusin?
Ymmärryksesi on pieni. Olet Suurimman kämmenellä ja yhä valitat.
Etkö näe mihin ylpeytesi vie sinut?
Etkö ole sitä jo oppinut? Minä olen opettanut sinua.
Sinä olet jo oppinut, mutta hylännyt sen tarpeettomana.
Sinä olet pieni ymmärtämätön lapsi.
Sinä olet murrosikäinen kapinallinen.
Luulet tietäväsi kaiken niin hyvin.
Luulet tietäväsi mitä tarvitset.
Sinä vajavainen ja rikkinäinen lapseni.
Katso miten elämäsi elät.
Katso mille tielle astut.
Katso mitä Herraa palvelet.
Pidä varasi mitä ääntä kuuntelet, omaasi, kiusaajasi vai Isäsi.
Lapseni. Enkö ohjaisi elämääsi parhaani mukaan?
Enkö haluaisi sinulle enemmän kuin mitä voit parhaaksi kuvitella?
Enkö ole viisaampi ja ymmärtäväisempi kuin sinä?
Enkö sitten myöskin antaisi lapselleni sitä mitä hän haluaa?
En aina. En sitä, mikä on rakkaimmalleni haitaksi.
En sitä, mitä et vielä pysty ottamaan vastaan.
En sitä, mikä on sinulle vielä liian suurta ja raskasta kantaa.
En sitä, minkä tiedän sinua rikkovan.
En sitä, mikä vie sinut kauemmaksi minusta, omasta isästäsi.
Haluan pitää sinut lähelläni.
Haluan ottaa sinut syliini, pitää sinut siinä ainiaan.
Ja kun tiedän, että aika on kypsä, annan luvan sille, jonka katson parhaaksi, tulla siihen vierellesi,
samaan syliin.
Aion nostaa, kantaa, ohjata ja neuvoa sinua koko elinikäsi.
Aion rakastaa, vaalia ja pitää huolta sinusta aina.
Aiotko sinä antaa minun tehdä niin?
Aiotko sinä luottaa tähän?
Vai luuletko, että itse pystyt siihen paremmin?
Rakkaani, rakastan sinua.
Kaipaan vastarakkauttasi.
Älä anna minkään tulla sen esteeksi.
Relationships
Monday, July 2, 2012
Last six days I've been working on a voluntary basis for a church where I've been going randomly since last autumn. The church had a big nationwide summer event that also I was building up.
Working with people that I almost didn't knew turned out to be great fun but also challenging. When you don't know someone, you really need to focus on the way you act and react if you want to be considerate but the same time you don't wanna be too mousey but really yourself. Eventually when you get to know each other it gets easier and more relaxed. With good friends you can almost predict their behavior on different situations and their reactions to your sayings and this is what makes interaction safe.
But to be honest I've found myself recently not knowing how to act and react correctly with good friends also. There's always more to learn in others. And there's always more to learn in yourself. How annoying it is to find myself in a situation where I've been mistaken in a relationship. When I know I could've done things differently just to avoid the issue that my misbehavior or thoughtlessness raised, I bang my head up against the wall and accuse myself of being such an complete idiot.
I guess, or not just guess but I KNOW that when you have to face the place that you need to apologize to the other it just builds up your character and the relationship it has to do with.
What it anyhow leaves easily behind is bitterness towards yourself. At least I have that problem. It leaves thoughts like this whirling around in my head: "WHY I had to do that? WHY I was such an jerk? WHY I didn't THINK? WHY WHY WHY?!" I accuse myself, blaming and barking myself stupid.
How that affects to myself? I approve and really confirm those thoughts to be true in my life.
As being a Jesus freak, I must say I'm really lucky that I get to ask some relief to this problem. Also I get to believe it true when the holy book in Romans 8:33 says
And also in Isaiah 50:
Therefore I have this promise: not even my own thoughts can really prove me guilty. And if it tries to do so, I know it is a lie, cause I've been declared as not guilty.
So difficult stuff that happens between me and my friends will turn out good eventually. Besides, the Bible promises this in Romans 8:28 :
This song is a great song for this blog text. Take a look.
Post script
Oh the heaven looks so pretty right now! Sunset left behind some gorgeous dark amethystine colored clouds with bright peachy almost orange linings. I guess God was again in a mood of creating something pretty to the eye.
Working with people that I almost didn't knew turned out to be great fun but also challenging. When you don't know someone, you really need to focus on the way you act and react if you want to be considerate but the same time you don't wanna be too mousey but really yourself. Eventually when you get to know each other it gets easier and more relaxed. With good friends you can almost predict their behavior on different situations and their reactions to your sayings and this is what makes interaction safe.
But to be honest I've found myself recently not knowing how to act and react correctly with good friends also. There's always more to learn in others. And there's always more to learn in yourself. How annoying it is to find myself in a situation where I've been mistaken in a relationship. When I know I could've done things differently just to avoid the issue that my misbehavior or thoughtlessness raised, I bang my head up against the wall and accuse myself of being such an complete idiot.
I guess, or not just guess but I KNOW that when you have to face the place that you need to apologize to the other it just builds up your character and the relationship it has to do with.
What it anyhow leaves easily behind is bitterness towards yourself. At least I have that problem. It leaves thoughts like this whirling around in my head: "WHY I had to do that? WHY I was such an jerk? WHY I didn't THINK? WHY WHY WHY?!" I accuse myself, blaming and barking myself stupid.
How that affects to myself? I approve and really confirm those thoughts to be true in my life.
As being a Jesus freak, I must say I'm really lucky that I get to ask some relief to this problem. Also I get to believe it true when the holy book in Romans 8:33 says
Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect?It is God that justifieth.
Kuka voi syyttää Jumalan valittuja? Jumala -- mutta hän julistaa vanhurskaaksi!
And also in Isaiah 50:
7 For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint,and I know that I shall not be ashamed. 8 He is near that justifieth me; who will contend with me? let us stand together: who is mine adversary? let him come near to me. 9 Behold, the Lord GOD will help me; who is he that shall condemn me? lo, they all shall wax old as agarment; the moth shall eat them up.
7 Herra, minun Jumalani, auttaa minua, siksi en pelkää häväistystä. Olen kovettanut kasvoni piikiven kaltaisiksi. Minä tiedän, etten jää häpeääni, 8 sillä hän on lähellä, hän osoittaa syyttömyyteni -- kuka voisi minua syyttää! Asettukaamme siis käymään oikeutta. Tahtooko joku ajaa kannetta minua vastaan? Astukoon hän esiin! 9 Herra, minun Jumalani, on minun auttajani. Kuka voisi osoittaa minut syylliseksi? Nuo kaikki häviävät kuin vaate, jonka koi syö.
Therefore I have this promise: not even my own thoughts can really prove me guilty. And if it tries to do so, I know it is a lie, cause I've been declared as not guilty.
So difficult stuff that happens between me and my friends will turn out good eventually. Besides, the Bible promises this in Romans 8:28 :
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,
Mutta me tiedämme, että kaikki yhdessä vaikuttaa niiden parhaaksi, jotka Jumalaa rakastavat,
This song is a great song for this blog text. Take a look.
Post script
Oh the heaven looks so pretty right now! Sunset left behind some gorgeous dark amethystine colored clouds with bright peachy almost orange linings. I guess God was again in a mood of creating something pretty to the eye.
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